Last night I took a walk by myself for the first time in a long time. Walks like this I’d remembered in DC from bus stop to bus stop through Wisconsin Avenue, Columbia Road, and 16th Street with my iPod and teenage arrogance. Walks like this I remembered in Melbourne where I passed with semi-adult self-assurance through Flinders Street Station’s grandiose yellowness and the lights and commotion that surrounded the city centre. These walks in which I felt completely in harmony with the chaos and order around me knowing that when I woke up, this city and I would still remain. I had such feelings walking on Jiangsu Lu last night. I smiled at myself realizing exactly that: that this is what I do. I walk and think and fall in love with the world all over again because in the stillness of the night it reminds me of who I am.
I’d overdressed thinking it was cold outside. It wasn’t. With all the technology available, I’ve never been one to check the weather. And the rain had stopped until it was an almost unnoticeable drizzle so I held on stupidly to my umbrella and tolerated the snug warmth of my scarf, hoodie, and light windbreaker for the entirety of my walk. Perhaps this is my problem. That I take on too much without checking the weather first because now I feel I must tolerate this snugness for the entirety of this walk. I sat one of those concrete balls on the sidewalks meant to decorate or create a pathway or whatever and smoked two, maybe three cigarettes. I have more questions than answers these days and to find answers to them, true answers, seems to be the brunt of my responsibility as a woman, as an adult, and as a person. There’s a time to laugh and play and then a time to face things with sobriety.
And so, I do not know the answers to my questions. May God, my mother, and my lover forgive me and understand and perhaps even aid me in this conundrum in questions of self worth, values and beliefs, and most of all- purpose and direction. Maybe I’m just being 26. Anyway, with almost romantic flair I’m drawn to books more and more as if I will find the answers in the words of those who lived before me and ruminated these same things before me. Perhaps the answer is to not think so much, to not worry, but I am not worried though I am thinking a lot. I am on a quest to understand. God gave me a brain to which to think with, did He not? Child, you gave yourself away too soon. Do I disturb your peace with my questions? I can see it in your eyes. And so I continued to sit on that concrete ball until the light breeze goaded me home ever so gently, ever so lightly until my head met the pillow and I fell to the deepest slumber I’ve had in days.